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Hope you all had fun with my 17 Days of St. Patrick Celebration, but now it’s time to discuss something serious: college basketball.

To be honest, I don’t actually care about college basketball in the slightest. I went to a Division III school for undergrad and wasn’t involved much in campus activities at my Division I grad school. I nominally support USC in all their sporting ventures, but the Trojans aren’t even in the NCAA tournament this year, so…meh.

At least, that’s what I tell myself. Each year I claim that I won’t get swept up in March Madness, that I won’t fill out a bracket and obsess over match-ups and bite my fingernails to the bone at the third overtime game of the day, but of course I always do. At no other time of the year will you find me rooting for a grip of teenagers from Nowhere, North Carolina, against their counterparts from Middling, Missouri. There’s no other circumstance where you’ll hear me yelling, “Just one win, Connecticut, and then I’ll go back to hating you!” at my computer screen in the middle of the day. You for DAMN sure won’t ever catch me thinking twice about the Cinderella exploits of a group of North Dakotans ever again, or feeling bad for Oklahoma or Ohio, or rooting for Florida in anything.*

*The one thing that could be predicted is my distaste for Ivy League athletics. Really, Harvard? You really had to win that game? Like you don’t already have everything else going for you? Spread the love, Crimson, and get a better team name. At least Tigers and Bulldogs are nouns.

Warren Buffett’s offering $1B to anyone who gets a perfect bracket this year. ONE BILLION DOLLARS. That’s a 1 then a 0 then a 0 then a 0 then a 0 then a 0 then a 0  then a 0 then a 0 then a 0. $1,000,000,000. That is life-changing money. Except no one’s going to win it, because the odds of getting a perfect bracket are 1 in Some Number With Even More Zeroes Than That. (The official numbers vary based on who you ask, but let’s just say the odds are not ever in your favor, Katniss.) Basically, if everyone on the planet filled out 10—no, 1,000—no, 1,000,000 brackets, odds are there still wouldn’t be a perfect bracket. No one cares; people are still going completely nuts for this. March Madness is one of the most perfectly named sporting events going, because it makes everyone crazy. (Honestly, the only other as-aptly-named events are the World Cup, in which every country in the world can participate, and the Stanley Cup, which was owned by a guy named Stanley. The World Series can suck it.)

Anyway, for someone who two days ago couldn’t possibly have cared less which upset came out of the West on day 1, today I’m PISSED that it was ND State and not NM State. Seriously, subconscious arbitrary picking portion of my brain, you were sooooo close, but you let me down. Stupid Bison.

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